Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Blog Frustration

Hello everyone!
I was looking through my blog lists on the side of my page, and realized that a lot of blogs haven't been updated in a long time.  I went ahead and resorted my blog roll into 3 categories: Active Fictional Blogs (still updated regularly), Non-Fiction Blogs (updated regularly) and Inactive Fictional Blogs (haven't been updated in 2+ months or have ended).  Sadly, this means I'm running low on new material to read!  If you haven't checked out my blog roll already, be sure to do so!  Also, if you have any blogs that you read that you think I'd enjoy or that you would like to see posted in my blog roll (I don't use my Dashboard, I just look at my sidebar and see when blogs were updated last and read them that way) for easy access, let me know here!

I know a lot of you also read Cosmo's Bedroom Blog and I'm sure you can all roll your eyes with me and agree that our beloved Bedroom Blog has really been going downhill, both in quality and quantity of posts.  I'm disappointed in the lack of posts and the lack of passion behind the posts lately.  I think Cosmo should either hire a new writer, stick to a regular schedule (ie, posting every Wednesday) or wrap the blog up in the near future.  It's frustrating to check back and see no posts have been made, especially since the author is paid to do the writing and there are NEVER any author's notes letting us know why posts haven't been made or when we can expect new material.

Basically, I need some fresh new blogs to read and share on my site!  At least with the lack of reading material, I'm finding more time to write my own blog.  Expect a few more posts this week and next!

Thanks for reading :)

Monday, May 30, 2011

Life Goes On

It had been just over a week since I had left Michael for good.  The bruises on my arm were a sickly yellow color with tinges of green and purple still fading away.  Kate had been concerned when I showed up unexpectedly, crying and bruised, and had attempted to persuade me to file a police report.  That seemed far too drastic, so I instead documented the bruises thoroughly and photographed them with a timestamp each day.  Michael had made no attempt to contact me and I was relieved.  I had never known Michael to be violent or aggressive, and it had shaken me more than I liked to admit.  I knew I would have to face him at my upcoming doctor's appointment, but I was hoping the situation would have settled down considerably by then.

Kate generously agreed to let me stay with her for a month, rent free, so I could put extra money into my bank account before signing a lease on an apartment.  The apartment complex she lived in was affordable, within walking distance of my job and in a convenient area of town.  They were also offering move-in specials and I had decided to lease an apartment there as well.  Kate also offered to let me take her bed instead of sleeping on the couch, but I refused.  It was certainly uncomfortable, but I would survive.

Work was draining and becoming mundane, but I had heard of an advancement opportunity within the company and submitted my resume a few days prior.  I knew the chance was slim, but I couldn't let the chance of a promotion and pay increase pass me by without at least trying.  I hadn't heard yet if I was being considered for an interview, but I was hopeful!

At fifteen weeks along, I was starting to show more each day and people at work were fawning over me.  I was uncomfortable with all of the attention on my changing body, but it felt nice to have so many people interested in my life.  The most common questions were, of course, "What are you having?" and "When are you due?" - I would be finding out the sex of the baby in the coming weeks and promised everyone that I would announce it as soon as I knew.  I had an appointment scheduled three weeks from now and the doctor was hopeful I would find out the gender then.

As stressed out as I was over everything, I wasn't stressed at the idea of being a single mom.  I had really begun to embrace my pregnancy and the prospect of motherhood.  In fact, I was excited.  I had never seen myself as a mother, but now, I couldn't wait to meet the little person growing inside of me.  I knew balancing my life would only get harder once the baby arrived but it was a challenge I couldn't wait to face.

As for Eric, we had started talking again but I was tentative to see him again.  I knew I was emotional and vulnerable, and I was afraid I would project that on him.  Despite what we had already gone through, I hardly knew him as well as I would've liked, but I was determined to change that...

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Michael didn't answer.  He didn't feign shock at the accusation, nor did he have the decency to look ashamed.  He simply stood there silently, and that was all the confirmation I needed.

It felt odd, standing there and staring at each other.  In that moment, I realized I didn't really know who this man was any more.  I wasn't sad, I just felt empty and apathetic.  Michael and I really had grown apart over the years, and I was finally seeing that I was using this baby as a reason to put a bandaid over a wound too far gone to be fixed.  Amputation was the only solution, now.

"Oh, Michael," I murmured, "we've gone about this all wrong.  This was a mistake.  I see that now, finally."

I had been trying so hard to hold it all together, I had convinced myself that I truly did miss Michael and truly wanted to be with him.  Of course being back together felt right to me, Michael had been all I'd known for four years.  I did love him, and I had a feeling I always would, but he wasn't the man I wanted to be with.  I knew leaving again would hurt him, especially considering I was now 14 weeks pregnant with his child, but it was the best choice I could make for both of us, as well as our unborn child.

"Oh, come on.  It's not like Manda and I are involved.  We became close while you and I were broken up, that's all!  I don't want to be with her."

"This has nothing to do with Manda.  This is about us, and the fact that I was right to move out and wrong to think moving back in was a good idea.  You need to leave for work soon.  I'll be gone before you get back."

"That's it?  You're just done with this, no talking needed?  You're unbelievable, Emma.  This is ridiculous!"

Finally, he was showing emotion.  I simply turned and walked away.  He followed me upstairs to the bedroom and for the second time in just a few months, he watched me as I packed my belongings and made no attempt to stop me.  I was fighting nausea and tears and my vision was blurred, but the more I packed, the more confident I was in my decision.  I felt ridiculous, knowing our friends and family would assume the worst about me.  They would say I was being wishywashy, they would say I didn't know what I really wanted, they would say I was playing games.  I didn't care.  Why should I care what anyone had to say?  Suddenly, Michael grabbed my arm, startling me.

"Emma, we are having a child together.  You can't just walk out the door like you did last time.  We don't have to be 'together', but this is way too complicated now.  You can't cut me out of your life!" his voice getting louder and a note of anger was creeping in.

"I know that, I would never cut you out of my life.  I am walking out the door and that's the end of the discussion.  I'll notify you of all upcoming doctor's appointments and we'll go from there.  Now let go of my arm so I can leave."

Instead of letting go, he tightened his grip on my arm and pulled me towards him.  I struggled and attempted to pull away.

"I'm serious, Michael!  You're hurting me, now let go!"

I realized I was afraid.  I had never been afraid of Michael before, not once in my life.  There was something different in his eyes and for a split second, I worried that he would hit me.  Suddenly, he squeezed even harder, digging his fingertips into the soft flesh of my upper arm.  I cried out in pain and fear.  Just as suddenly, he released his grip and pushed me away from him before storming out of the room.

I broke down sobbing and wondered who this man was, and what he had done with the Michael I used to know.