Insecurities

"Just what is that supposed to mean?" I fought to hide the exasperation in my voice. Eric had been the one to suggest meeting Rob in the first place.  I'd hoped that meeting Rob would put his mind at ease about our friendship.  Judging by the look on his face, this was not the case.

"Seriously?  What do you think it means?  I don't like how he looks at you.  He looks at you like you belong to him or something and he needs to protect you."

"He's protective of me, yeah, because he cares about my well being.  You weren't here when Michael tried pounding down the door.  You didn't witness how scary it was for me and how dangerous it could have been if Rob hadn't stepped in!" I nervously twisted the hem of my shirt.  I hate arguments and confrontation. I prefer rational, calm conversations over emotional outbursts.  Arguing stresses me out, I could feel my stomach start churning.

Eric pursed his lips, furrowing his brow.  He looked hurt and like he was struggling to find something to say.

"I get that.  I've kicked myself a hundred times over because I wasn't there for you.  It should be my job to keep you safe and lift you up, not his.  I should be the one swooping in to save the day.  I should be the one you cry on when you need to and the one you run to after a tough day." His voice broke a little as he spoke and he trailed off.  I was shocked to see the sheen of tears welling up in his eyes.

"You are that person for me, but so is Rob. So is Kate.  I have a strong support system, I'm very lucky in that respect. That doesn't mean you should feel inadequate!  If anything, you should be happy that I have people who care about me and look out for me!  You shouldn't be jealous of my friends, Eric.  It's not fair to me." I squeezed his hand, searching his face for an indication that what I said was getting through to him.

Eric sighed, visibly relaxing.  He rubbed his temple with the hand I wasn't grasping, looking ashamed.

"Emma, I'm sorry.  You're right, you are so right.  I've been feeling jealous and like I'm not enough.  I shouldn't be lashing out at you when I'm the one with an issue.  I'm sorry, babe, I am." Eric leaned in, gently brushing his lips against mine.

I could totally understand how he was feeling, really.  Every man wants to feel like they can protect their girl better than anyone.  While I may not agree with how he went about expressing those feelings, I could understand them.  He felt threatened in the sense that he wasn't strong enough to support and protect me, which came out in the form of jealousy.

I led him to my room so we could both relax and talk it out.  We talked for hours until we fell asleep. I fell asleep thankful that he would try harder to express his feelings when they arose, instead of bottling things up.


******

I spent the beginning of my work day focused on my daily reports.  Our call volume had dropped significantly, as it often did in the spring.  There really wasn't a lot for me to do once my reports were completed.  It was relaxing to sit at my desk and know there were no urgent matters or deadlines to worry about.  I idly texted Kate off and on to pass the time.  We talked about Eric, mostly.  Kate is brutally honest with me and I was relieved when she told me she liked Eric.  She admitted that he seemed a bit standoffish but she could tell he was really into me and she loved seeing me smile and look so happy.  Kate did agree with me that Eric's feelings toward Rob were a bit troubling, yet understandable.

With the unexpected free time during my work day, I found myself thinking a lot about the baby.  I'm approaching 6 months, now, and I'm starting to feel a bit panicked.  I mean, yeah, I'd felt panicked when I found out I was pregnant.  I'd been on birth control for years without an issue.  I always took my pill around the same time of day.  I've always known I wanted to be a mom, but I pictured that day coming a lot later than it did.  I'd never thought my birth control would fail and when I first found out I was pregnant, I wracked my brain to figure out how.  My relationship with Michael had been rocky then and we didn't have sex very often at the time.  I had suffered a bout with food poisoning that lasted a few days and resulted in me throwing up quite often.  It never occurred to me that I'd basically thrown up my pill each of those days. Based on the timeline, that incident had led me to where I am now.

I still have so many things to buy and prepare for.  None of my close friends have children yet, so I have nobody to turn to.  I've been considering signing up for a pregnancy forum to have an even stronger support group.  Knowing that I will be responsible for a life soon is overwhelming at times. Will I be a good mother?  Will my daughter be healthy and happy?  Will Michael get his shit together in time to forget about the whole need for a restraining order?

Having down time at work was doing a number on my thought processes and I forced myself to stop worrying and over thinking every little aspect.  Using Facebook at work is kind of frowned upon, but my boss doesn't really care as long as my work is done.

I kept my work email open on one monitor and brought up Facebook in the other.  I was surprised when my log-in failed.  I tried again, thinking I'd typed my password incorrectly.  I opened my personal email and was shocked to find an email from Facebook showing my password had been changed.

I scrolled to the bottom of the email where I found the IP address had been logged.  Sighing in frustration, I copied it down.  At least now I had something new to fret about.