Emotions Run Wild

"Emma, I'm not sure why you're ignoring me.  Did I do something wrong?  Please call me back or text me or something.  I miss hearing from you."

I listened to Eric's voicemail again, trying to determine just what it was I heard in his voice.  Pleading? Confusion?  Hurt, guilt, desperation?  Perhaps a mixture of all of the above?  He had called me and texted me numerous times over the past few days and I had shown remarkable self-control in not answering or responding.  However, I could feel my resolve beginning to weaken.  I really thought there had been a connection between us and now I was starting to wonder how I could have thought that if the connection didn't exist. 

I felt my resolve break and give way and I picked up my phone to call Eric.  He answered on the second ring.

"Emma!  I've been going crazy over here, why haven't I heard from you?" Eric seemed genuinely concerned and confused.

"I think you know why you haven't heard from me," I replied, letting just a hint of ice creep into my voice.  I wanted him to know I wasn't the type of girl he could use and get away with it.

"Actually, I don't.  I have no idea why you've been avoiding me..." his voice was shaking as he trailed off.

"You lied to me, that's why.  That night, the night we slept together, you told me you had to work early in the morning and that's why you needed to bring me home right away.  But then, the next afternoon when I texted you to have a good day at work, you told me you were off!  You used me and I won't stand for it!  I thought, maybe, just maybe, you and I had the start of something good.  But no.  You ruined that," my voice was even and quiet, and full of something that sound a lot like barely-contained rage.

'What are you talking about?  Yeah, I was off when you texted me, but I had gone in for the early shift and already been sent home.  I didn't lie to you.  You can see my time-card if you don't believe me.  That's what this is about?  You thought I was just using you?  How could you think that?" Eric sounded incredulous and relieved, all at the same time.  I knew then that he wasn't lying to me.

"Oh, my God.  Eric, I'm sorry, I just...I feel like such an asshole, can you forgive me?"  I was stammering, stumbling over my words and feeling worse than ever, "Let me buy you dinner or something so we can talk and I can apologize face to face.  I just don't know what I was thinking."

Eric sighed and let out a small laugh, "I guess you can buy me dinner.  Just next time, Emma, talk to me, don't shut me out if something is bothering you.  Anyway, I gotta go.  I know you're off tomorrow, so if you want me to come by around 5, I can."

"That sounds perfect.  I'm really sorry, I am.  I'll see you tomorrow," I replied.  We said our goodbyes and hung up.

I felt like a complete imbecile and realized how insane I must have sounded.  I had no idea why I behaved in such a manner and knew I had misunderstood him that day and overreacted.  I felt completely out of control of my emotions and had no idea why.  Instead of trying to reason with myself, I flopped down on the couch and cried.