Girl Talk

"Oh, wow," Holly mumbled, her mouth full of pizza.  Her brown eyes were wide as I went over the whole Michael-losing-his-damn-mind story.  She shook her head, chewing thoughtfully.

"I mean, that's just crazy.  I've known Michael for ages and I've never, ever seen him lose his temper like that.  You guys must've been so freaked out.  Just...wow," she trailed off. "Anyway, I wanna hear more about this Eric guy you're seeing!  You said you spent the night with him...?"

I sighed, grabbing another slice of pizza.  It tasted heavenly, just the right amount of grease, cheese and pepperoni.  The crust was to die for.  I took a bite and shrugged, indicating there wasn't much to hear.

"Here's the thing.  He basically insisted I come sleep over, but that's exactly what we did.  Slept.  In the same bed.  That's it!  Like, he kissed me but made no moves at all.  I wore my cutest, most revealing tank top and short shorts, he was in his underwear.  I thought for sure we were going to have sex.  Nothing.  Nada.  He spooned me all night, we made out a little but that's it.  I don't get it.  I mean, it was really nice, I enjoyed it.  But it wasn't what I was expecting," I rambled on, feeling a well of disappointment.

Holly laughed, scrunching up her nose the way she always did when she found something amusing.  I was bewildered as to what she found so funny and made it known by pouting.

"So, let me get this straight.  You guys had an awesome date, no sex, lots of talking and connecting.  Then, your night was ruined by Michael and then you had a shitty day dealing with the aftermath.  Sounds more to me like he actually cares about you and doesn't see you as a sexual object.  You shouldn't be pouting, you should be happy!  I wanna meet him."

I loved Holly's optimism and enthusiasm, but I still felt achingly disappointed by my sleepover with Eric.  I thought for sure that steamy, all-night sex was on the agenda.  Sex would've been the ultimate stress reliever but he hadn't shown interest.  I still felt tingly and excited when we'd made out, but the passion was lacking.  It occurred to me that he'd never even had an erection.  Ugh.  Maybe I was over analyzing the situation.  Guys can't be expected to be raring to go 24/7.  If our next sleepover or date or what have you turned out the same way, then I could be concerned enough to ask him.  I realized I'd zoned out when I noticed Holly staring at me expectantly.

"Well?" she inquired.

"Sorry, Holly, I was thinking and not really listening.  What'd you ask?" I forced my mind to clear itself from thoughts of Eric so I could focus on our conversation.

"I asked if you're excited about next week!"

"Huh?"

"Next week.  Doesn't your promotion kick in on Monday?  And isn't your ultrasound on Wednesday?" she was eyeing me carefully.

"Oh, my god.  I completely spaced.  I've been doing that non-stop lately!  Yeah, I'm excited.  My schedule is switching to a mid-shift, noon til 8:30.  I think I'll like that.  Plus, getting away from the phones will be great.  I've trained on workforce management for a few shifts now and I think I'm gonna love it!  I'm actually kinda nervous about the ultrasound.  But finding out the gender is something I've really been looking forward to!"

"That's so awesome!  You'll call me as soon as you find out, right?  Have you thought about names?" Holly was positively beaming with excitement.  It was no secret that she had a case of baby fever and was now living vicariously through me.  Truth be told, I'd considered quite a few names.  I'd found myself gravitating towards names like Olivia, Natalia and Gianna for a girl.  Boy names were a little tougher for me.  Carter?  Gavin? None of them felt quite right, but I still had months to make up my mind.

I shared my name ideas and Holly gushed over each one.  She was always so cheerful and encouraging.  I'd say Holly was my most stable and reliable friend.  It made me sad how little we'd seen of each other the past few months.  For the rest of the night, I made it a point to focus on our time together.   Being around Holly put me in a better mood.  We laughed and chatted and gossiped for a few hours before I made my exit, promising to meet up again soon.

When I got home to Kate's apartment, I wasn't surprised to find her drunk and out of it.  It was pretty much a daily occurrence.  Although I was used to it by now, I still found it irksome.  Thankfully, the apartment complex had a cute, spacious 1.5 bedroom unit opening in three weeks.  It was designed to be a 1 bedroom with a small office area, hence the term 1.5 bedroom, but the space would make a perfect nursery.  I vastly preferred that setup over all of the 2 bedroom units at the other complexes I had looked into.  I could put up with three more weeks of Kate's drunken chatter.  I knew I was just hormonal and irritable.

The next month was looking to be busy and full of positive changes in my life.  If only I had known just what my future had in store.

Emotions Run Wild

"Emma, I'm not sure why you're ignoring me.  Did I do something wrong?  Please call me back or text me or something.  I miss hearing from you."

I listened to Eric's voicemail again, trying to determine just what it was I heard in his voice.  Pleading? Confusion?  Hurt, guilt, desperation?  Perhaps a mixture of all of the above?  He had called me and texted me numerous times over the past few days and I had shown remarkable self-control in not answering or responding.  However, I could feel my resolve beginning to weaken.  I really thought there had been a connection between us and now I was starting to wonder how I could have thought that if the connection didn't exist. 

I felt my resolve break and give way and I picked up my phone to call Eric.  He answered on the second ring.

"Emma!  I've been going crazy over here, why haven't I heard from you?" Eric seemed genuinely concerned and confused.

"I think you know why you haven't heard from me," I replied, letting just a hint of ice creep into my voice.  I wanted him to know I wasn't the type of girl he could use and get away with it.

"Actually, I don't.  I have no idea why you've been avoiding me..." his voice was shaking as he trailed off.

"You lied to me, that's why.  That night, the night we slept together, you told me you had to work early in the morning and that's why you needed to bring me home right away.  But then, the next afternoon when I texted you to have a good day at work, you told me you were off!  You used me and I won't stand for it!  I thought, maybe, just maybe, you and I had the start of something good.  But no.  You ruined that," my voice was even and quiet, and full of something that sound a lot like barely-contained rage.

'What are you talking about?  Yeah, I was off when you texted me, but I had gone in for the early shift and already been sent home.  I didn't lie to you.  You can see my time-card if you don't believe me.  That's what this is about?  You thought I was just using you?  How could you think that?" Eric sounded incredulous and relieved, all at the same time.  I knew then that he wasn't lying to me.

"Oh, my God.  Eric, I'm sorry, I just...I feel like such an asshole, can you forgive me?"  I was stammering, stumbling over my words and feeling worse than ever, "Let me buy you dinner or something so we can talk and I can apologize face to face.  I just don't know what I was thinking."

Eric sighed and let out a small laugh, "I guess you can buy me dinner.  Just next time, Emma, talk to me, don't shut me out if something is bothering you.  Anyway, I gotta go.  I know you're off tomorrow, so if you want me to come by around 5, I can."

"That sounds perfect.  I'm really sorry, I am.  I'll see you tomorrow," I replied.  We said our goodbyes and hung up.

I felt like a complete imbecile and realized how insane I must have sounded.  I had no idea why I behaved in such a manner and knew I had misunderstood him that day and overreacted.  I felt completely out of control of my emotions and had no idea why.  Instead of trying to reason with myself, I flopped down on the couch and cried.

I Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You...

My breath caught in my throat and I stood there in the doorway, wide-eyed and slackjawed.

"Em, you look fantastic.  I've missed you so much," Michael breathed, taking in my dolled up appearance.

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, one hand against the doorframe and the other nervously twirling a section of hair.

"Thanks," I mumbled, "but what are you doing here?  I'm sorry if I sound rude, but I'm expecting someone any minute so please make it quick."

I felt my cheeks grow hot as Michael's eyes scanned my face and he looked at me with such honesty and hurt in his eyes.  Despite how firm I was in my decision to leave him, I hadn't realized that a part of me did miss the comfort and familiarity of being in his presence.

"You wouldn't take my calls and I just wanted to talk to you and make sure you're okay.  I was worried about you...but obviously you're fine and in a rush, so I guess I better go," Michael answered quietly, taking another lingering glance at my face and taking in the dress I wore, as he stepped away from the doorway.

I sighed, feeling a seed of guilt and another feeling I couldn't quite identify growing in my stomach.  I stood there silently, watching him walk away.

"Michael, wait," I called after him,"maybe we can grab coffee or something later in the week and catch up.  I'll text you, okay?  Right now just isn't a good time."

"Yeah, sure, Em, that would be great!  I won't keep you any longer, I'm just glad to see you're okay," Michael replied, waving over his shoulder and breaking into a smile.  He turned towards me one more time as he opened his car door and got inside, and it broke my heart a little to see the look on his face.  It was a mixture of pain and hope, and I realized in that moment just how much I had hurt him by leaving the way I did.

I remained in the doorway, watching him buckle his seatbelt and start the car, all the while his eyes never leaving my face. The thought suddenly and startlingly crossed my mind that I needed to run after him and throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I was and how much I hated myself for hurting him. I was so lost in these thoughts and busy watching Michael backing out of his parking spot that I scarcely noticed another car pulling into the lot and parking.

My heart skipped a beat when the driver got out and I realized it was Eric.  He was just as gorgeous as I remembered, perhaps even more so.  I couldn't help but stare at him as he ambled up the sidewalk.  He flashed me one of his dazzling grins and I could practically feel myself melt. In that instant, all thoughts of Michael completely left my mind.

That's What Girls Dreams Are Made Of

During the next week and a half, I had settled in completely to my new evening shift at work and my living situation with Kate.  I arrived home at 11:30pm and spent a few hours with Kate, usually sipping on a drink while she guzzled hers.  I enjoyed her company, but she was such a wild child and I was a very laid back homebody.  Her outgoing demeanor was starting to rub off on me and I was finding myself becoming less shy and uptight.  Michael was the furthest thing from my mind as I continued to settle in to my new schedule, my new home and my new life.  I continued to ignore his phone calls and messages, and hoped eventually he would get the hint that I was gone for good and there was no winning me back.

As for work, I loved not having to be there until 3pm.  I no longer had to wake up to a blaring alarm every morning.  Instead, I could wake up at my leisure and still have hours to spare before I had to head to work.  To be honest, I wasn't sure why our call center had requested more employees to switch to the evening shift.  I was one of 6 employees transferred to the evening shift and we were left with a lot of down time in between calls, and some evenings, no phone calls came in for the last hour of my shift.  Most evenings, I spent my spare time doodling in a notebook, chatting with nearby coworkers or exchanging increasingly flirty texts with Eric.

We hadn't yet made plans to get together, but we texted each other daily.   I learned that not only was he gorgeous, he was charming and funny.  I had been out of the dating loop for four years and had forgotten how fun it could be getting to know someone new.  Texting seemed like an easy way to break the ice between us before we officially had a date.  What started out as simple getting-to-know you messages had soon turned to flirtatious messages, almost bordering on racy.  Every time my phone vibrated in my purse, I couldn't help but grin, knowing it would be Eric and anticipating what he would say.

One evening, two weeks after we exchanged our first text message, Eric and I finally had plans to get together.  I woke up early, feeling nervous and excited.  I made my way to the kitchen where Kate was preparing a cup of coffee to take to work with her.

"So, today's the big date, huh?  You nervous?" Kate teased, raising an eyebrow.

"Um, yeah," I laughed, reaching for a clean mug, "of course I'm nervous!  We're going to dinner, then going to watch movies at his apartment and we'll see how it goes from there."

"Well, have fun.  If you wanna borrow anything from my closet, feel free.  I gotta go, I won't be home until late."

With that, Kate was out the door and I found myself alone with nearly four hours to kill before Eric arrived.  I busied myself with some simple cleaning around the apartment while I waited until it was time to start getting ready.  I took my time showering, exfoliating and poring over an outfit to wear.  I wanted to wear something cute and flirty, yet completely casual.  I finally settled on a simple salmon colored sundress that hugged my curves without being tight or revealing and set off the slight tan I had developed.  I left my hair loose and wavy, letting it fall over my shoulders, while I kept my makeup light with just a hint of shimmer across my eyelids, lips and cheekbones.  I glanced at my phone and realized Eric should be arriving within the next fifteen minutes.

I turned and admired myself in front of Kate's full length mirror and smoothed my dress.  I thought I looked cute with just a hint of sexy, and hoped Eric would agree.  As I made one final appraisal of my hair and makeup, I heard a knock at the door.  I winked at myself in the mirror, and dissolved into nervous giggles as I headed for the living room.

With a deep breath and a brilliant smile, I pulled open the front door.  Imagine my surprise when I found myself face to face not with Eric, but with Michael...

It's just one drink...

"So, are you gonna call him?" Kate slurred, taking another sip from her drink, which, by the smell of it, was more vodka than orange juice.

Dale had already gone home and it was quickly approaching midnight.  I was returning to work the following morning at 8AM, and thus far Kate hadn't taken the hint that I was ready to go to sleep.

"Who, the waiter?  Nah, I don't think so.  Certainly not at this hour," I replied, hoping the matter would be settled, "and I do have to be up early so I think I'm gonna go to sleep soon."

"Ok, ok.  Just have one drink with me before bed.  Just one, I promise," she pleaded, already heading towards the kitchen.

I had always been a social drinker, really, only partaking during holidays or on special occassions.  I rarely had more than three drinks and had only been drunk a few times in my life.  Kate had been drinking with Dale since we'd gotten home from dinner, and I couldn't be sure if this was a daily habit for her or if she considered tonight to be an occassion.  Either way, if a drink with her would let me get to sleep sooner, I would have one.

"Well, ok.  Just one then I am going to sleep.  And don't make it strong, you know I don't drink much."

Kate squealed with delight, and I could hear her filling my glass with ice.  She returned to the living room, weaving slightly, and presented me with my drink.  The smell of it was overpowering and I could only imagine the taste would be worse.  I took a small sip and grimaced.  The drink in my hand was by far the strongest drink I'd ever tasted.  I didn't know how she could stand it.

As I slowly sipped my drink, I could feel my cheeks becoming flushed and began to relax more.  Maybe having a drink wasn't so bad, after all.  We talked and laughed, and before I knew it, my drink was empty, I had quite a buzz and the conversation had returned to Eric.

"Seriously, Emma.  He's hot, way hotter than Michael.  You should call him, or at least look him up on Facebook!" Kate was pointing excitedly at my laptop.

I couldn't be sure if it was the drink I'd had or her enthusiasm that convinced me, but I smiled and said, "Well, Facebook couldn't hurt.  Hand me my purse."

I quickly logged on, and typed in his contact information.  His profile page popped up before me, and there were those beautiful brown eyes of his staring back at me.

"Shoot...his profile is private.  And I'm not gonna send him a friend request like a creeper."

"Well, just send him a message then.  But I'm gonna go to bed now.  By the way, I put 4 shots in your drink!" Kate was laughing and wobbling towards her bedroom. 

"Four shots?  No wonder I feel so warm and fuzzy.  Oh well, I'm gonna send him a message anyway and then I'm going to bed," I mumbled, mostly to myself.

"Hey, Eric.  This is Emma, the girl from the restaurant?  Sorry if I was acting weird, life has been kind of weird lately.  But I figured I'd send you a message because you seem interesting.  You can write me back if you want.  Sorry, I'm rambling!  Goodnight!"

I frowned at what I'd written, and realized I sounded desperate and silly, but maybe he'd find that endearing.  I sent it anyway, turned off my laptop and hoped I wouldn't regret sending it in the morning.

Refreshed

I awoke to a bright flash of light and the sound of a door clicking shut.  A strange weight had settled on my chest, and for a moment I was sure it was the metaphorical "heaviness" I'd just gotten rid of.  I opened my eyes and was surprised to see two bright green eyes staring back at me. 

"Whiskers, you scared me!" I laughed, reaching up to pet her.  Kate had two cats, Whiskers and Roofus, and I had nearly forgotten about them with everything that had been going on.

I sat up, blinking, and looked around.  It took me a moment to realize the light had been Kate opening the front door to leave for work.  I was impressed with how quiet she must have been, as I hadn't heard a sound while she got ready.

I stretched and reached for my phone.  I was hesitant to turn it on and see if Michael had flooded my phone with messages, but I needed to call my job and let them know I would be returning the next morning.  We were entering the slow season and I'd been approved by our Workforce Management team for unpaid time off for the past few days to get my affairs in order.

When I hung up, I took a glance at the screen of my phone.  Of course, the "New Message!" icon was blinking cheerily.  With a sigh, I opened my inbox to discover 6 new text messages from Michael.  I didn't want to see what he had to say, so I simply check marked the boxes next to the messages and hit "Delete".

With that, I folded up my blanket and tucked it away in the front closet.  The day was dragging on slowly and I busied myself cleaning the apartment.  Kate was a bit messy and I knew she'd appreciate coming home to a clean house.  I discovered that the fridge and cabinets were nearly bare, and made a mental note to discuss groceries with Kate when she got home.



That night, Kate walked in with her friend Dale.  I had only met him briefly before, but I knew Kate was fond of him and we'd probably get along.  Dale suggested we go to a local Italian restaurant for dinner on him and I hungrily agreed, as long as he would let me and Kate take care of the tip.

We settled in to a booth and glanced over the menu while we waited for our server to come by and take our drink orders.

"My name is Eric, and I'll be taking care of you this evening.  Have you decided on drinks?" a voice asked.  I looked up and realized our waiter was gorgeous.  He was at least 6'3" with warm eyes, a sexy smile and a confident air about him.  He was also staring directly at me.

I stammered, "Uh, yes, just an iced tea for me.  I mean, please."  I blushed, feeling foolish.  Kate and Dale placed their orders as well, giggling the whole while at my expense.

"Emma has a cruuush!" Kate said in a sing-song voice as Eric walked away.  I blushed again, and playfully slapped at her hand.

I wouldn't call it a crush after seeing someone for all of a moment, but I certainly did think he was attractive.  I only wished the timing had been better.  I was barely single, and developing a new crush seemed inappropriate somehow.  I made it a point to avoid eye-contact with our handsome waiter for the rest of the meal, knowing I wouldn't be able to help but stare at him.

After we finished our meal, I headed to the bathroom to avoid Eric while Dale settled our check.  I met Kate and Dale in the parking lot, and Kate was giggling again and staring at me.

Kate held out her hand, and said, "Eric said to give this to you!"

I took the scrap of paper, and read it to myself.
"I'd like to get to know you.  If you don't feel comfortable calling me, send me a message sometime. -Eric"

His phone number and Facebook link were included.  I blushed for a third time, and crammed the paper into my wallet.  I hadn't yet decided if I would contact him, but I would hang on to his information, just in case...

Endless Possibilities

Kate and I lugged my clothing up to her apartment building, which, as luck would have it, was seperated from my job's office building by a small shopping center that housed a few businesses and a hair salon.  I would be able to walk to work every day while I saved up to buy a car of my own.

She unlocked the front door, and with a sweep of her hand announced, "Home sweet home!"

I'd be using the coat closet as my own and sleeping on her couch.  I immediately began digging through my bags of clothing, wanting to get settled in as quickly as possible.  She watched me curiously as I set about hanging up my shirts and pants.  I could tell by the look on her face that she thought I was just trying to keep busy.

"Emma, you're okay, aren't you?" Kate smiled gently, her eyes scanning my face for a sign of how I was feeling.

I took a deep breath and looked back at her.  I loved Kate, she was always there for me when I needed her and I tried to be there for her as well.  We'd been friends since high school, having met in class, and our first apartment had been one we'd shared right before Michael and I had started dating.

I smiled back at her and felt my uncertainty fade away completely.

"You know what?  I really am.  I mean, I'll probably always love Michael but I've realized I'm no longer in love with Michael.  All of our couple friends were getting married and I guess I thought that's what we needed to fix what we had.  But this feels...right.  I just want to get settled in so I can really feel like I'm moving on instead of just visiting."

Kate nodded and hugged me, saying how proud she was that I'd had the courage to leave my comfort zone and how much fun we'd have living together again.



Later that night, after I'd finished unpacking most of my things and Kate had gone to bed, I curled up in my blanket on the couch.  Luckily for me, Kate had splurged on a nice couch and I knew I'd have no trouble sleeping, although I wasn't quite tired yet.

Alone with my thoughts, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, I smiled.  I'd been one half of MichaelAndEmma for so long, that being just Emma would take a little getting used to.  This would be a big change for me, and I couldn't wait to see what life had in store.  I let my mind wander aimlessly for a bit, envisioning the endless possibilities of where my life would lead now.  I finally felt myself entering that comfortable, hazy stage between being awake and falling asleep as I settled deeper into the couch.

The buzz of my cellphone on the coffee table startled me back to the waking world, and I grabbed it to take a peek at the message, knowing I'd lay awake wondering who it was from and what it said until I finally looked.

It was from Michael.  It contained only two short sentences.
"Can we talk?  I can come pick you up."

I sighed, and considered ignoring the message entirely.  I knew he would just keep texting me or possibly even calling if I didn't write back, so I simply replied, "No."

With that, I turned off my phone and fell into the most beautiful sleep I'd had in months.

Moving Forward

"Emma, please don't do this," Michael said softly, watching me from the bed while I continued packing my clothing in heavy black trash bags.  He made no effort to stop me and it seemed as though he was only going through the motions by asking me to stay.

"I have to do this.  Our relationship isn't moving forward and I'm not even sure I want it to anymore," I said, speaking more to myself than to Michael.  He had tears in his eyes as he left our bedroom in silence.

I looked at the clock and made mental note that I had about an hour to finish packing before my best friend Kate arrived to transport me and my belongings to her apartment.  I'd texted her as soon as I had told Michael I was moving out, and despite living in a small one bedroom apartment, she'd agreed to let me move in for a little while until I could find my own place.

Downstairs, I could hear the front door slamming shut as Michael left the house.  I made my way to our bedroom window and watched him drive away.  He hadn't said he was leaving and I could only hope that he wouldn't return before I left.  A tearful goodbye was something I would be happy to avoid.

I finished packing up all of my belongings and was a little surprised at just how few things I owned.  Clothing, makeup and sentimental items were all I really had.  It was then that I realized this had never really been my home at all; I had just been a guest here.  I didn't have a car, either.  Michael and I did everything together with the exception of our jobs, and I'd always carpooled to work with my friend who lived nearby.  

I heard Kate's car pull up and walked outside to meet her, carrying all but two bags I would be bringing with me to start my new life.  We loaded everything into her car in a comfortable silence.

"All set?" Kate asked, closing the trunk.

"Yep, that's everything.  Let's go," I answered, smiling for the first time that day.

 As we were backing out of the driveway, Michael's car pulled up and he jumped out.  He ran towards the car, a dozen roses in his hand and tears streaming down his face.

"Don't stop, Kate, just keep going," I whispered, feeling my own tears threatening to fall.

I took a final look at Michael before I looked ahead towards my new life.

Sleepless Night

I stared at the ceiling, listening to the rhythmic sound of his breathing. Sleep hadn't been coming easily to me and I had a lot weighing on my mind and my heart.

I turned on my side to study Michael's profile in the dark.  His features were barely illuminated by our bedroom alarm clock but they were committed perfectly to my memory.  I knew every line and curve of his face, perhaps better than I knew my own.

After four years of dating, two of which spent cohabiting, I felt like we'd fallen into a rut.  He didn't seem to take our relationship quite as seriously as I did.  I didn't want to be the nagging type of girlfriend, pressuring him into putting a ring on my finger.  I just wanted a sign that we were in this for the long run and not just together out of convenience and comfort.

I thought back to three nights ago, when I'd again broached the subject of our future.  I had been in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner and busying myself cleaning non-existent spots on the counter.  Michael was reclining on the couch, sipping a cold beer and flipping through the channels on television.  I knew I had to say something or I would drive myself crazy.

"Michael?  Can I ask you something?" I kept my voice light and cheerful as I sat down next to him.

"Sure, Em.  What's up?"

I sighed inwardly and took a deep breath.  I was stalling but knew I had to take the plunge.

"I know we're still young but I just need to know.  Is this it for us?  I mean, are we ever going to get married, start a family?  I don't mean right away, but...someday?" I hated the pleading tone that had entered my voice and I stared at his face, searching for a hint of what he was thinking.

"Emma, we've been over this.  I just don't know if that's something I'm ready for," he sighed.

I'd had a feeling that would be his answer.  I didn't want him to feel pressured into proposing.  I wasn't sure if I was even ready for that step yet, I just wanted to know where our relationship was heading before either of us put any more time into what we had.

I stared back up at the ceiling, again listening to Michael's breathing as he slept.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I decided to take my future into my own hands.


I was going to leave him.