I Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You...

My breath caught in my throat and I stood there in the doorway, wide-eyed and slackjawed.

"Em, you look fantastic.  I've missed you so much," Michael breathed, taking in my dolled up appearance.

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, one hand against the doorframe and the other nervously twirling a section of hair.

"Thanks," I mumbled, "but what are you doing here?  I'm sorry if I sound rude, but I'm expecting someone any minute so please make it quick."

I felt my cheeks grow hot as Michael's eyes scanned my face and he looked at me with such honesty and hurt in his eyes.  Despite how firm I was in my decision to leave him, I hadn't realized that a part of me did miss the comfort and familiarity of being in his presence.

"You wouldn't take my calls and I just wanted to talk to you and make sure you're okay.  I was worried about you...but obviously you're fine and in a rush, so I guess I better go," Michael answered quietly, taking another lingering glance at my face and taking in the dress I wore, as he stepped away from the doorway.

I sighed, feeling a seed of guilt and another feeling I couldn't quite identify growing in my stomach.  I stood there silently, watching him walk away.

"Michael, wait," I called after him,"maybe we can grab coffee or something later in the week and catch up.  I'll text you, okay?  Right now just isn't a good time."

"Yeah, sure, Em, that would be great!  I won't keep you any longer, I'm just glad to see you're okay," Michael replied, waving over his shoulder and breaking into a smile.  He turned towards me one more time as he opened his car door and got inside, and it broke my heart a little to see the look on his face.  It was a mixture of pain and hope, and I realized in that moment just how much I had hurt him by leaving the way I did.

I remained in the doorway, watching him buckle his seatbelt and start the car, all the while his eyes never leaving my face. The thought suddenly and startlingly crossed my mind that I needed to run after him and throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I was and how much I hated myself for hurting him. I was so lost in these thoughts and busy watching Michael backing out of his parking spot that I scarcely noticed another car pulling into the lot and parking.

My heart skipped a beat when the driver got out and I realized it was Eric.  He was just as gorgeous as I remembered, perhaps even more so.  I couldn't help but stare at him as he ambled up the sidewalk.  He flashed me one of his dazzling grins and I could practically feel myself melt. In that instant, all thoughts of Michael completely left my mind.

That's What Girls Dreams Are Made Of

During the next week and a half, I had settled in completely to my new evening shift at work and my living situation with Kate.  I arrived home at 11:30pm and spent a few hours with Kate, usually sipping on a drink while she guzzled hers.  I enjoyed her company, but she was such a wild child and I was a very laid back homebody.  Her outgoing demeanor was starting to rub off on me and I was finding myself becoming less shy and uptight.  Michael was the furthest thing from my mind as I continued to settle in to my new schedule, my new home and my new life.  I continued to ignore his phone calls and messages, and hoped eventually he would get the hint that I was gone for good and there was no winning me back.

As for work, I loved not having to be there until 3pm.  I no longer had to wake up to a blaring alarm every morning.  Instead, I could wake up at my leisure and still have hours to spare before I had to head to work.  To be honest, I wasn't sure why our call center had requested more employees to switch to the evening shift.  I was one of 6 employees transferred to the evening shift and we were left with a lot of down time in between calls, and some evenings, no phone calls came in for the last hour of my shift.  Most evenings, I spent my spare time doodling in a notebook, chatting with nearby coworkers or exchanging increasingly flirty texts with Eric.

We hadn't yet made plans to get together, but we texted each other daily.   I learned that not only was he gorgeous, he was charming and funny.  I had been out of the dating loop for four years and had forgotten how fun it could be getting to know someone new.  Texting seemed like an easy way to break the ice between us before we officially had a date.  What started out as simple getting-to-know you messages had soon turned to flirtatious messages, almost bordering on racy.  Every time my phone vibrated in my purse, I couldn't help but grin, knowing it would be Eric and anticipating what he would say.

One evening, two weeks after we exchanged our first text message, Eric and I finally had plans to get together.  I woke up early, feeling nervous and excited.  I made my way to the kitchen where Kate was preparing a cup of coffee to take to work with her.

"So, today's the big date, huh?  You nervous?" Kate teased, raising an eyebrow.

"Um, yeah," I laughed, reaching for a clean mug, "of course I'm nervous!  We're going to dinner, then going to watch movies at his apartment and we'll see how it goes from there."

"Well, have fun.  If you wanna borrow anything from my closet, feel free.  I gotta go, I won't be home until late."

With that, Kate was out the door and I found myself alone with nearly four hours to kill before Eric arrived.  I busied myself with some simple cleaning around the apartment while I waited until it was time to start getting ready.  I took my time showering, exfoliating and poring over an outfit to wear.  I wanted to wear something cute and flirty, yet completely casual.  I finally settled on a simple salmon colored sundress that hugged my curves without being tight or revealing and set off the slight tan I had developed.  I left my hair loose and wavy, letting it fall over my shoulders, while I kept my makeup light with just a hint of shimmer across my eyelids, lips and cheekbones.  I glanced at my phone and realized Eric should be arriving within the next fifteen minutes.

I turned and admired myself in front of Kate's full length mirror and smoothed my dress.  I thought I looked cute with just a hint of sexy, and hoped Eric would agree.  As I made one final appraisal of my hair and makeup, I heard a knock at the door.  I winked at myself in the mirror, and dissolved into nervous giggles as I headed for the living room.

With a deep breath and a brilliant smile, I pulled open the front door.  Imagine my surprise when I found myself face to face not with Eric, but with Michael...

Endless Possibilities

Kate and I lugged my clothing up to her apartment building, which, as luck would have it, was seperated from my job's office building by a small shopping center that housed a few businesses and a hair salon.  I would be able to walk to work every day while I saved up to buy a car of my own.

She unlocked the front door, and with a sweep of her hand announced, "Home sweet home!"

I'd be using the coat closet as my own and sleeping on her couch.  I immediately began digging through my bags of clothing, wanting to get settled in as quickly as possible.  She watched me curiously as I set about hanging up my shirts and pants.  I could tell by the look on her face that she thought I was just trying to keep busy.

"Emma, you're okay, aren't you?" Kate smiled gently, her eyes scanning my face for a sign of how I was feeling.

I took a deep breath and looked back at her.  I loved Kate, she was always there for me when I needed her and I tried to be there for her as well.  We'd been friends since high school, having met in class, and our first apartment had been one we'd shared right before Michael and I had started dating.

I smiled back at her and felt my uncertainty fade away completely.

"You know what?  I really am.  I mean, I'll probably always love Michael but I've realized I'm no longer in love with Michael.  All of our couple friends were getting married and I guess I thought that's what we needed to fix what we had.  But this feels...right.  I just want to get settled in so I can really feel like I'm moving on instead of just visiting."

Kate nodded and hugged me, saying how proud she was that I'd had the courage to leave my comfort zone and how much fun we'd have living together again.



Later that night, after I'd finished unpacking most of my things and Kate had gone to bed, I curled up in my blanket on the couch.  Luckily for me, Kate had splurged on a nice couch and I knew I'd have no trouble sleeping, although I wasn't quite tired yet.

Alone with my thoughts, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, I smiled.  I'd been one half of MichaelAndEmma for so long, that being just Emma would take a little getting used to.  This would be a big change for me, and I couldn't wait to see what life had in store.  I let my mind wander aimlessly for a bit, envisioning the endless possibilities of where my life would lead now.  I finally felt myself entering that comfortable, hazy stage between being awake and falling asleep as I settled deeper into the couch.

The buzz of my cellphone on the coffee table startled me back to the waking world, and I grabbed it to take a peek at the message, knowing I'd lay awake wondering who it was from and what it said until I finally looked.

It was from Michael.  It contained only two short sentences.
"Can we talk?  I can come pick you up."

I sighed, and considered ignoring the message entirely.  I knew he would just keep texting me or possibly even calling if I didn't write back, so I simply replied, "No."

With that, I turned off my phone and fell into the most beautiful sleep I'd had in months.

Moving Forward

"Emma, please don't do this," Michael said softly, watching me from the bed while I continued packing my clothing in heavy black trash bags.  He made no effort to stop me and it seemed as though he was only going through the motions by asking me to stay.

"I have to do this.  Our relationship isn't moving forward and I'm not even sure I want it to anymore," I said, speaking more to myself than to Michael.  He had tears in his eyes as he left our bedroom in silence.

I looked at the clock and made mental note that I had about an hour to finish packing before my best friend Kate arrived to transport me and my belongings to her apartment.  I'd texted her as soon as I had told Michael I was moving out, and despite living in a small one bedroom apartment, she'd agreed to let me move in for a little while until I could find my own place.

Downstairs, I could hear the front door slamming shut as Michael left the house.  I made my way to our bedroom window and watched him drive away.  He hadn't said he was leaving and I could only hope that he wouldn't return before I left.  A tearful goodbye was something I would be happy to avoid.

I finished packing up all of my belongings and was a little surprised at just how few things I owned.  Clothing, makeup and sentimental items were all I really had.  It was then that I realized this had never really been my home at all; I had just been a guest here.  I didn't have a car, either.  Michael and I did everything together with the exception of our jobs, and I'd always carpooled to work with my friend who lived nearby.  

I heard Kate's car pull up and walked outside to meet her, carrying all but two bags I would be bringing with me to start my new life.  We loaded everything into her car in a comfortable silence.

"All set?" Kate asked, closing the trunk.

"Yep, that's everything.  Let's go," I answered, smiling for the first time that day.

 As we were backing out of the driveway, Michael's car pulled up and he jumped out.  He ran towards the car, a dozen roses in his hand and tears streaming down his face.

"Don't stop, Kate, just keep going," I whispered, feeling my own tears threatening to fall.

I took a final look at Michael before I looked ahead towards my new life.

Sleepless Night

I stared at the ceiling, listening to the rhythmic sound of his breathing. Sleep hadn't been coming easily to me and I had a lot weighing on my mind and my heart.

I turned on my side to study Michael's profile in the dark.  His features were barely illuminated by our bedroom alarm clock but they were committed perfectly to my memory.  I knew every line and curve of his face, perhaps better than I knew my own.

After four years of dating, two of which spent cohabiting, I felt like we'd fallen into a rut.  He didn't seem to take our relationship quite as seriously as I did.  I didn't want to be the nagging type of girlfriend, pressuring him into putting a ring on my finger.  I just wanted a sign that we were in this for the long run and not just together out of convenience and comfort.

I thought back to three nights ago, when I'd again broached the subject of our future.  I had been in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner and busying myself cleaning non-existent spots on the counter.  Michael was reclining on the couch, sipping a cold beer and flipping through the channels on television.  I knew I had to say something or I would drive myself crazy.

"Michael?  Can I ask you something?" I kept my voice light and cheerful as I sat down next to him.

"Sure, Em.  What's up?"

I sighed inwardly and took a deep breath.  I was stalling but knew I had to take the plunge.

"I know we're still young but I just need to know.  Is this it for us?  I mean, are we ever going to get married, start a family?  I don't mean right away, but...someday?" I hated the pleading tone that had entered my voice and I stared at his face, searching for a hint of what he was thinking.

"Emma, we've been over this.  I just don't know if that's something I'm ready for," he sighed.

I'd had a feeling that would be his answer.  I didn't want him to feel pressured into proposing.  I wasn't sure if I was even ready for that step yet, I just wanted to know where our relationship was heading before either of us put any more time into what we had.

I stared back up at the ceiling, again listening to Michael's breathing as he slept.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I decided to take my future into my own hands.


I was going to leave him.